Matt Bellassai: Just Trying to Stay Alive

Category: Life

One comedian’s (and winemaker’s) refreshingly unhealthy approach to the new year.

How will you ring in 2017?
If I had my way, I’d be spending New Year’s Eve on my couch alone, with my hands covered in ice cream and my mouth stained with red wine; but I’m sure I’ll get dragged somewhere and have to drink in front of other people like some kind of animal. Happens every year.

Do you have any resolutions this year?
After 2016, I think I need to lower the bar from having high hopes and big dreams to something simpler, like, “just try and stay alive." It may not be fulfilled, but it’s the effort that counts.

What is your least favorite resolution of all time and why?
Going to the gym. Why don’t you spare us that fitness Instagram account you think you’re gonna start and help save the economy by spending those precious gym dollars on something useful. Like alcohol. Or moisturizers. Or one of those big cookies that you get at the mall that’s only warm for like 10 seconds but boy, those 10 seconds are life-changing.

What are you most looking forward to in the year to come?
The end of 2016, which has, without question, been the worst year in modern human history for almost every reason possible. Except for the part where I got my own bottle of wine. That part was pretty cool.

Can you share an anecdote from your most memorable New Year’s Eve?
I went to a fancy grown-up party a couple years ago that had more bottles of champagne than people, and let’s just say, there might’ve been an expensive leather couch that was perfectly intact on December 31 and… struggling on January 1.

What are your favorite foods to pair with your own wine?
I subscribe to the school of thought that all food pairs great with all wine, because food is great and wine is great and together they’re even better. But I guess if you wanna be all fancy about it, I go for something sugary and chocolatey, like a nice gooey brownie or a chocolate-chunk cookie. But NOT an oatmeal raisin cookie because oatmeal raisin cookies can fuck off.

You’ve just finished a bottle of To Be Honest. What album are you most likely to put on and why?
Well, To Be Honest is about living your truth, and my truth happens to be Beyoncé. So I usually pump up Lemonade and scream-sing about the cheating boyfriend I don’t have.

You’re hosting a dinner party and you can invite six people, living or dead. Whom would you choose?
Her Majesty Oprah Winfrey, Zac Efron, Anderson Cooper, Michelle Obama, Judas (for drama) and, of course, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter.

Let’s say it’s someone’s resolution to be more honest in 2017. Do you have any tips for them?
Wine is a good way to open the truth tubes. (That was a great sentence and I stand by it.) But really, who can doubt that you’re telling the truth when your teeth are stained with honesty juice? No one, that’s who.

When, if ever, would you recommend not being honest?
When someone asks, “are you gonna finish that,” it’s your responsibility to say “yes” no matter what your brain is thinking. I don’t care if you can’t eat another bite. You look them in the face. And you finish it.